When adults step back, kids learn to bounce back

During an Under-10 soccer youth league match, my son’s teammate had an unpleasant experience with a player from an opposing team.

Midway through the game, he was pulled to the ground by a boy who went on to taunt him until the final whistle blew.

Some parents were outraged and insisted that the coach write a formal complaint, so that action would be taken against the players from the other team.

My husband saw the incident differently – as an opportunity to build resilience. In a message he sent to the parent chat group that day, he said competitive sport, even at the youth level, is full of unpredictable and uncomfortable moments.

Be it an unfair decision from the referee, rough play, pushing through fatigue, being benched, or losing, all these test a child’s ability to bounce back from adversity and disappointment.

While parents instinctively want to protect their children from being hurt or upset, it is a great learning opportunity when parents step back and guide their children in dealing with setbacks.

We’ve built a culture of hyper-intervention around our children hoping to make the journey as smooth as possible. But childhood isn’t supposed to be frictionless. Friction, I’d argue, is fundamental to a child’s development.

And as we rush to prepare our young for an artificial intelligence-dominated future, where technology is often framed as the solution to smooth every rough edge, conversations about resilience and grit can get lost.

These are attributes that technology cannot replace.

But it’s not something you can just work into a syllabus or teach from a book. It is built in uncomfortable moments, when our young are allowed to experience them and endeavour to find a way out, without adults stepping in.

School as a laboratory of life

Young people spend almost a third of their waking hours in school. It is an environment where they face academic pressure, navigate social dynamics, explore leadership roles and receive criticism.

Dr Caleon Imelda Santos, assistant dean at the National Institute of Education’s Office for Research, says schools provide one of the richest ecosystems for developing resilience.

She adds that everyday stressors – examinations, group work, peer conflicts, or presentations – are controlled environments where students apply and grow their resilience tools “with the assurance that a trusted adult is present”.

Plus, uncomfortable situations in school often mirror what they might experience later in life.

Bullying is a growing concern in schools. Whether it takes the form of subtle irritation or overtly aggressive threats that require intervention from teachers, students need to learn how to coexist with others who do not get along with them.

This type of social conflict does not disappear when students become adults.

At the workplace, for example, it re-emerges as workplace politics or dealing with a difficult boss.

Building resilience in this instance could mean understanding how to set boundaries with others, learning to tune out negativity, or knowing how to seek help or report unfair treatment without fear.

Having taught in secondary schools for more than a decade, I have witnessed resilience-building first hand, and have resisted the urge as the only adult in the room to step in and solve students’ problems all the time.

When I was a form teacher in a Secondary 1 class, I got to observe how students from different primary schools come together and try to form new friendships in a new school environment.

I saw students get teased, left out of social circles and be overshadowed by their more confident peers. In these instances, I could have intervened early to force friendships and make students spend time with those being left out.

But when I allowed students to feel discomfort and find their footing in these challenges, I saw some changing the way they communicate and building connections with strangers. Others held their own after taking on leadership roles, eventually gaining acceptance into circles that were once exclusive.

There were definitely times when I had to step in and counsel students who were defeated by these challenges, but more often than not, students could overcome these obstacles themselves, a sign that they were building resilience along the way.

Learning to be okay with failure

Over the years, Singapore’s competitive academic arena has inadvertently created a fear of failure.

One could say that many Singaporean parents do what they need to ensure success at the national examinations, be it through tuition or preparing their child to take advantage of the Direct School Admission scheme. 

But while parents help their children navigate the path to success, where do the children learn how to handle failure?

From our own experiences, we know that no one transitions into adulthood without facing disappointment or failure. This could be in university admissions, job interviews or workplace appraisals.

The ability to come to terms with such setbacks, receive negative feedback and find ways to move past their disappointments, is a crucial and practical skill that students need to hone early in life.

Resilience, in this aspect, reframes failure as part of growth. Many will receive a disappointing grade, lose out on a leadership position they were vying for, fail to make it into their school team, or fall out with friends over time.

These “failures” present an opportunity for them to learn persistence and grit, and manage their emotions through trying times.

Role of adults in nurturing resilience

“Children develop resilience both vicariously – by observing stories of others who have overcome hardship – and directly, through their own lived experiences,” says Dr Caleon, adding that research shows that resilience stories can be powerful teaching tools.

This is where the involvement of adults – teachers and parents – is crucial.

First, they can model resilience by sharing personal stories of bouncing back from adversities.

Apart from providing young people with alternative pathways or playbooks for resilience building, this helps forge more positive connections between adults and youth.

Second, Dr Caleon suggests adults allow young people to experience moderate adversities on their own and guide them in reflecting over such experiences.

“Such guided reflection is important to help optimise the benefits that can be drawn from adverse life events,” she says.

Amid the frisson over AI and the race to equip students with digital skills, we should not overlook other attributes that will matter just as much.

That day, my son’s teammate dusted himself off, turned a deaf ear to the taunts and encouraged his team to ignore the scoreboard when they were losing 0-2. In an uneasy situation, he remained focused and determined.

Resilience is built in everyday moments like a rough tackle, a difficult assignment, an awkward social interaction or a disappointing result.

Our role as parents and educators is not to eliminate every obstacle in their path. It is to walk beside them as they learn to deal with challenges on their own. It’s a kind of self-directed learning.

This way, children are prepared for the realities of life, and equipped with the necessary skills to thrive.

In a world where machines can do so much, the ability to rise from adversity remains a uniquely human skill that no technology can replicate.

• School for Humans is a new Opinion series in January that aims to deepen the conversations around education and highlight the human forces at the heart of teaching and learning.

 Read the original article here. 

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Permission required for reproduction.