The Sacrifice of a Child: A Devotion Rarely Told

We often hear stories of parents sacrificing for their children: a mother staying up late to study after a full day’s work, a father holding down two jobs at once, and dreams set aside so that their children can grow up with every opportunity.

These stories resonate deeply with us. In the Malay community, parental sacrifice occupies a special place. From childhood, we are taught to remember our parents’ contributions, respect them, and never forget all they have done for us.

Yet recently, I have been moved by stories of another form of sacrifice that perhaps receives less attention: the sacrifice of a child.

In Berita Minggu on 18 October, I was struck by the story of Mr Muhammad Iqbal Rashid, 39, who has cared for his father since the latter suffered a stroke in 2018. Mr Iqbal left his permanent job in banking and now organises his daily life around his father’s needs.

In the same edition, we also read about Madam Nurni Kamin, 46, who cares for her mother, who has vascular dementia. Following the death of her older sister, she took on the main responsibility of caring for their mother.

Although their family circumstances and challenges differ, what connects them is their strong sense of duty and responsibility towards their parents, even when it demands significant changes to their own lives.

I read these stories with admiration, emotion and a deep sense of reflection. I am certain there are many similar stories that have never been reported.

When Children Become the Ones Their Parents Depend On

There is something deeply moving about the reversal of roles within a family as parents grow older.

A mother who once held her young child’s hand while crossing the road may now need that same hand to support her as she walks. A father who once took his child to school may now be accompanied by that child to hospital for treatment.

These changes happen gradually, often without our noticing. At first, our role may simply be to accompany our parents to the clinic. Over time, the responsibilities grow: managing finances, preparing meals, ensuring medication is taken on time, monitoring health and making important healthcare decisions when necessary. In some situations, the child becomes not merely a caregiver but the person on whom a parent depends most.

I deeply admire those who embrace this responsibility with commitment, particularly younger adults who are still building their own lives. At a stage usually associated with freedom, exploration and shaping one’s future, they may put aside ambitions, career development and social relationships because the course of their lives has changed. Someone at home now depends on their presence.

The achievements of these children are not necessarily reflected in job titles or high salaries. They can instead be seen in the patience with which they attend to their ageing parents, their willingness to change personal plans and their capacity to continue giving love even when exhausted.

Such sacrifices seldom involve grand gestures visible to the public, or even to relatives who live elsewhere. Sometimes, it is simply a child returning home early every evening so that a mother does not have to eat alone. Or a child waking earlier each morning to prepare meals for parents to eat throughout the day before leaving for work. They may still smile in front of their parents, even while privately grappling with immense pressures.

The commitment to remain by someone’s side and consistently make their needs a priority is itself a profound expression of love.

When Responsibility Falls on One Person

I think especially of only children, or those who, for various reasons, are the only family members able to care for their mother or father. Some have no siblings with whom to share caregiving duties or who can step in when exhaustion sets in.

The situation can become more challenging when the child is unmarried. Perhaps the awareness that a future spouse must be willing to share such substantial responsibilities makes finding a partner more complicated. Perhaps the desire to establish financial or professional stability, or pursue further education, before marriage also means that some who are heavily occupied with caring for their parents remain single. These are difficult matters to discuss, particularly when a sense of duty towards one’s parents is deeply ingrained in a person’s character.

We must recognise that a child can care for their parents with great love while also feeling tired, sad or overwhelmed. Such feelings do not make them ungrateful. They remind us that even those who shoulder their responsibilities with acceptance and sincerity are human.

When Grandchildren Take on the Responsibility

There is another group we rarely discuss: adult grandchildren who assume responsibility for caring for their grandparents. In some families, care for older people does not fall to the children’s generation but passes to the grandchildren. Some accompany their grandmothers to hospital, manage their grandfathers’ medication, prepare meals or ensure their ageing grandparents are not left alone.

Imagine a young adult whose peers are busy attending university classes, building social networks or enjoying life, while they are preoccupied with the daily needs of a grandparent.

To me, such willingness is extraordinary. We usually associate relationships between grandparents and grandchildren with happy childhood memories: a grandfather indulging a grandchild with gifts, or a grandmother preparing a favourite meal whenever she hears that her grandchild is coming to visit.

Now, at times, that relationship takes a different form. The grandchild who was once cared for and cherished becomes the caregiver. How beautiful it is when the love once bestowed on a grandchild is returned through attention, patience and responsibility.

Yet we must recognise the considerable demands on these young people’s time, energy and emotions. They too may be building their own lives, but choose to ensure that an older generation is not neglected.

This reminds me that devotion and responsibility are not confined by generational boundaries.

Showing Care for the People Around Us

As we admire the sacrifices of all these caregivers, I wonder whether we ourselves are sufficiently attentive to those around us who care for family members. They may be our neighbours, friends or colleagues.

Perhaps we have heard them mention the need to look after an elderly mother or an ill father. Perhaps we have noticed how they rush home after work or frequently take leave to accompany a parent to hospital. We may even have asked how their parents are doing. But have we asked how the caregivers themselves are?

“How are you doing? Are you well? Are you getting enough rest? Is there anything I can do to help?”

Sometimes, such simple questions can mean a great deal to someone who has grown accustomed to putting other people’s needs before their own.

These small gestures may not resolve the enormous difficulties they face. But kindness, a willingness not to judge, and giving someone a little room to breathe and know that others care about their well-being can surely be appreciated.

The Role of Leadership

As leaders or employers, what kind of leadership do we demonstrate towards colleagues who carry these responsibilities?

Do we see lateness, requests for leave or an inability to attend an activity merely as problems to be managed? Or do we try to understand the considerable responsibilities they carry outside work, and help make work arrangements more manageable so that they can continue fulfilling their professional duties to the best of their ability?

Of course, every organisation has legitimate expectations of its employees. But compassion and consideration for others need not mean compromising organisational needs. An attentive leader should be willing to listen, allow some flexibility in work arrangements and seek solutions without adding pressure to someone who already has so much to manage.

Ethical leadership calls on us to show empathy and humanity towards one another, especially colleagues facing major personal challenges.

Who Cares for Those Who Care?

In an ageing society such as Singapore, it will become increasingly important to understand the experiences of children and grandchildren caring for older family members. Smaller family sizes may also mean that caregiving responsibilities are concentrated among fewer relatives.

We therefore cannot continue to regard eldercare as an entirely private matter to be resolved within individual families. Society, workplaces, community organisations and support institutions all have roles to play.

Appropriate assistance enables caregivers to continue caring for loved ones without neglecting their own well-being.

These stories remind us that support need not always be financial. Sometimes it begins with something small: a relative offering to accompany an older person to hospital; a neighbour checking in; an employer understanding an employee’s need to care for an ageing parent; or a friend willing to listen without judgement.

Above all, we must ensure that these children and grandchildren do not feel they must do everything alone. We want them to know that even if they always appear strong, they too have somewhere to lean and a chance to rest.

Devotion That Asks for Nothing in Return

Finally, my thoughts return to the individuals whose stories have moved me.

Mr Muhammad Iqbal Rashid and Madam Nurni Kamin may not regard what they do as anything extraordinary.

If asked why they are willing to devote themselves to caring for their families, their answers might be very simple:

“She is my mother.”

“He is my father.”

“If not me, then who?”

Behind these simple answers lies a profound understanding of love, trust and responsibility. In a world that often measures success through academic achievement, careers, income and status, these stories remind us of another measure that is no less important:

How willing are we to be there for someone who needs us?

It is right to remind children never to forget the sacrifices of the parents who raised them with love. But let us also remind one another never to overlook the contributions of children and grandchildren who are caring for their elders.

Behind every mother, father, grandfather or grandmother whose well-being is being looked after, there may be a child or grandchild quietly putting their own dreams and aspirations on hold for a while.

And that sacrifice, too, deserves to be remembered, appreciated and supported.

By Dr Roszalina Rawi

Assistant Head, Asian Languages and Cultures (Malay Language)
National Institute of Education, Nanyang Technological University

Read the original article published in Berita Harian here.