Coming to terms with dad guilt and dad doubt

There is no shame in experiencing some level of dad guilt. We feel dad guilt because we care.

Mum guilt is what a mum feels when she thinks she should be doing more and does not feel that she is measuring up to other mothers.

While far less is written about it, dads often experience a similar guilt. It is the self-blame that arises when a dad is away from the kids, usually because of work. During such times, thoughts of doubt rush in.

It causes dads to pose weird questions to themselves, like: Why do I need a break from parenting, can't I just power through? Why can't I make more money for the family? Am I a bad dad? Usually, dad doubt revolves around dads trying to give the family more time, more material possessions, and more of themselves. Maybe there is something inherently competitive in the male DNA. Us guys want to run faster, jump higher or appear smarter. Some call it testosterone poisoning, I call it being a dad. The competition is not just on a dad's physical attributes. It is also very natural for dads to look at other kids and compare them with their own. It starts with a comparison of physical milestones, like when their child learns to walk or utters the word papa.

As the kids get older, the comparisons are around how they do in school, how many medals they bring home from sports or cultural activities, or even which schools they attend. The inherent competitiveness causes dads to get more involved in raising their kids, pushing them at academics, enrichment and in other areas. In its most extreme form, parenting becomes a never-ending hamster wheel of achievement and enrichment. I admit that I was once one of those testosterone-poisoned dads. At the time, every bad grade or defeat on the field was taken personally, fuelling my dad doubt and guilt in equal measures. My boys were four and seven years old then. My job was based in the United States, while the family had returned to Singapore after spending several years there with me. I would spend two weeks in the US followed by two weeks in Singapore. Each time I came back, I would overcompensate by taking on as many kid duties as I could, while continuing to work US hours in Singapore.

A typical day for me at home went like this: sending kids to school, supervising homework after school, and taking them for their enrichment activities. This would be followed by a night of work as the US workday started and the kids were in bed. When I got on the plane to go back to the US, I would be racked by dad guilt. I often doubted if I was a good father and felt that my kids were being raised by a single mum half the time. To cope, I started micromanaging the family from more than 15,000km away. I would track when the kids were waking up in the morning for school and call home if they overslept. I would instruct my wife on what to warm up for breakfast from the fridge I had stocked, prior to my return to the US. Eventually, my long-suffering wife issued me an ultimatum. She said that my micromanagement was stripping her of her agency in caring for the kids. Her point was that it was difficult enough to have to take care of them by herself, let alone having to be accountable to someone far away.

After some discussion, we came up with a rule. When I am away, she is in charge; when she is away, I am in charge. The party who is away should leave the party in charge to manage the kids as he/she saw fit, without having to answer to the other on why a parenting decision was made. She reminded me that we had discussed splitting the family when they returned from the US for our elder boy to go to Primary 1, and she was fine with handling the kids alone when I was away. She told me that I needed to deal with what was driving the micromanagement and doubt because it was driving her crazy.

As I boarded yet another flight to the US shortly after our conversation, I was deep in thought. I do not usually talk to neighbouring passengers on flights, but the woman seated next to me struck up a conversation. She said that I looked troubled and introduced herself, sharing that she ran all of P&G's manufacturing facilities in Asia and lived in China. As we chatted, she opened up on how she overcame her own mum guilt. As one of the first US manufacturing plant managers in P&G's history, she would spend long hours at work. One day, when she came home late from work after dealing with a union issue, she started crying in her living room out of guilt, thinking that her kids were in bed asleep. Her daughter heard her crying and crept out of her room to hug her. The daughter told her that she was a good mother, and that she loved her for being her mother, not for what she did for her. The daughter added that she much preferred having a working mother, so she could have a role model for what she, too, could achieve in her professional life.

The conversation was timely. I really needed to talk to someone about my dad guilt and dad doubt. Talking to an anonymous person on a flight created a safe space for me to process my thoughts and emotions during the 12-hour flight from Tokyo to Detroit. My seat neighbour's final piece of advice to me was: "Don't take yourself so seriously. Ultimately, parenting is about the kids. Not about you. The kids will lead their own lives. You just have to be there to support them, if they need you."

Some dads are better at hiding their guilt. They appear carefree and happy to hand the responsibility for the kids to others. I guess I am just not one of those dads. A survey of 270 dads by local charity Focus on the Family found that 75 per cent of them have a friend they confide in about their parenting struggles. Almost 80 per cent are comfortable talking to other dads about issues they face as fathers. I think it is great that many dads have someone that they can turn to. The rise of dad guilt indicates that dads are getting more involved in parenting todayIt is great to see greater family engagement among dads today.There is no shame in experiencing some level of dad guilt. We feel dad guilt because we care.

Over the years, I have started to wear my dad guilt as a badge of pride. I have also started to focus more on the truly important parts of my kids' development, instead of their grades and the honours they receive.In the end, it is values that shape children, and a strong family bond that anchors them.Dads are a critical part of the puzzle, with their imperfections, guilt and doubt in tow.

*Abel Ang is the chief executive of a medical technology company and an adjunct professor at Nanyang Business School.

Source : The Straits Times