What happens when things do not work out?
When a relationship ends, you may experience symptoms of grief and periodic despair. The foundation of love is sharing, trust and intimacy. This foundation is built through a willingness to be vulnerable. Intimate vulnerability allows your thoughts and emotions to be expressed in the atmosphere of shared experience. When circumstances no longer provide for a bond of intimacy, love and trust, the separation can feel devastating.
The following are common feelings often experienced when a relationship ends. There is no right or wrong feeling to have - we each react to the end of a relationship in our own unique way.
- Denial. You cannot accept the truth and keep denying it is happening to you.
- Anger. You are furious with your partner for dropping such a bombshell.
- Fear. Common fears include "how will I survive"; fears about the intensity of feelings; fears about being unlovable or never able to love again; fears that you will never get through the pain, that this is how you will feel the rest of your life! You might fear what other people think of you.
- Self-blame. You blame yourself for what went wrong and replay your relationship over and over, saying to yourself, "If only I had done this. If only I had done that".
- Guilt. You feel guilty particularly if you choose to end a relationship. You do not want to hurt your partner. Yet you do not want to stay in a lifeless relationship.
- Disorientation. You feel lost and unsettled. The daily routine has drastically changed, for example you no longer receive his/her "I love you" sms early in the morning.
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Bargaining. Initially you may fantasise that there will be reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary. You might think of all the ways you are willing to change or things you are willing to do and that the relationship will be healed. Part of the challenge of this stage is to recognise that no matter what you do, say, think, want; you cannot control the other person.
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Relief. You begin to see that the relationship is not as ideal as you thought and are relieved to be out of it.
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Growth. Gradually the thoughts and emotions begin to even out. Some of the intensity decreases. You begin to notice that you can make a difference in your own life. You begin to make new plans and meeting new people. Though you still have some fears, you go forward in spite of them. You move out of focusing solely on the past.
How to cope with a breakup?
The period of loss and pain does not have to extend on to an eternity of "what ifs". After spending a few days wallowing in self-pity, you will probably want to start making a few steps towards life. To help ease this transition, try a few of the following ideas.
- Give yourself time to heal. Too often, we are encouraged to be 'strong' and keep it all inside. This method only serves to keep the former loved one on your mind and you feel frustrated. There needs to be a grieving period. Whether you dare to admit it or not, that person did mean a great deal to you at one time. You honour the love that you shared by validating the relationship as a worthwhile experience.
- Engage in 'self-help' practices. There are many ways to healing yourself – reading self-help books, creative writing, drawing, and so on. It is important to identify which most suits your personality, allow you to express your feelings freely and understand more about yourself.
- Realise that you might not be functioning at your best right now. To some this may be akin to you functioning at a lower energy level. Give yourself some space to be without pressure or high demands. Efforts to organise the more routine activities of your life may be helpful to make effective use of your energy. Do the activities that you need to and leave your remaining time for nurturing, self-discovery, and healing.
- Mobilise your support system. Spending time with positive, encouraging and understanding friends is essential at this time. In addition to venting your emotions as you sort through your next step in life, you can share the relationship's shortcomings. If this was an unhealthy relationship, your friends can help you see a different perspective by providing true accounts of the circumstances. Ask your friends and family members to do something with you that you enjoy and then let yourself enjoy it.
- Get active in joining the club/society you are interested or you belong to. Offer your energy, time and talent to organise something for it.
- Highlight the reasons that the relationship was less than perfect. When the loneliness sets in and you are missing your ex-partner, you may question why the relationship need to end and the reasons why it ended may not be clear to you then. At such times, it is important that you also remind yourself of the times when the relationship was less than perfect and the reasons for ending the relationship so as to regain a balanced perspective.
- Learn from what happened. Look at the breakup as an opportunity for you to learn from what happened. You might want to try to come up with ways to change so that your future relationship will be better.
- Volunteer your time to help someone else. There are many charitable organisations who are seeking for volunteers all the time.
- Learn something new. Think of something you want to know more about. Take a class, join a group, go to the library, search the internet.
- Get a pet or plant. Find an animal or get a plant that you can spend time and care for.
- Start a new exercise or wellness plan. It never hurts to take time to look good!
- Redecorate your space. Start off by cleaning out everything and throwing away anything you do not use or need anymore.
- Write a goodbye letter. Then stick it in a bottle and throw it out in the sea or imagine that you are attaching it to a helium balloon to be carried away.
- Rent a few romantic movies or read a few romance novels to remind yourself that love does still have happy endings.
- Get a new look. Get yourself a new hair style or some new clothes in order to cheer yourself up and give yourself and people around you a 'new' look.
